Delayed Posting

Hey non-cookers, sorry for not posting lately.

Had a crazy scuba accident that left me in Jamacia for months. I will tell you more in another post once I find a way to skiff more wi-fi from this bungalow I'm squatting in.

Keep non-cooking!

Cook Dude.

The Non-Druggie's Survival Guide to Drugs!

  

This is an unusual post guys. I want to use this post to talk about drugs. I’m going to be honest here because I do not know much about the subject and don't really know what to talk to you guys about. 

I do know however the first time I came into knowledge about this subject was through the D.A.R.E. program. This program was presented in elementary schools throughout the country and it was known for one simple message: Don’t do drugs. Or you will die.

They also gave out dope t-shirts.

Now little me took that advice to heart as seeing if I participated in drug use I would die. And I didn’t want that to happen just now.

My first encounter of drugs was when I visited DC with some buddies. We were chilling out until the early morning when we realized we needed to drop one of our friends off at his place. But before we left in the van, Rich, one of my friends, produced a massive bong out of his backpack. He then lit up and passed the bong to the next person. And the next. And the next. Till it finally came to me. I inhaled. My throat burnt. 

After that shenanigan, we piled into the van fifteen minutes later. I was sort of let down. I hadn’t felt a thing. From what I gathered from movies and television, people that smoked weed generally solve mysteries and eat a lot of food. We were doing neither so I was somewhat disappointed. I mean I’m not even feeling anything-

OH. SHIT.

It was starting.

  

The hairs on the back of my neck rose. My sense of place grew distant. I guess I was high? Yes. I was high. 

Our entire crew of five then proceeded to drive throughout our nation’s capital, admiring all the sights. Rich and I were sitting in the back of the van, hosting our own talk show with much similarity to the sound of Terrence and Phillip of South Park.

The last notable event that I noticed was when we were driving down a narrow tunnel of trees. There were no street lamps so the only light emitted was from the headlights of the car. The driver then showed us the Tunnel to Wonderland. He shut off the front lights so the only remaining light that still remained was from the very end of the tunnel. This is what tripped me out the most for it appeared we were going through hyperspace.

 

To infinity and beyond - Star Trek 

So that was my first experience being high. There’s not really a message or anything else you can take away from this post, I just wanted to share that with you…

Sooo yeahh this is awkward. 

Wanna learn more about drugs? Check out this blog, Intoxication: A Human Right, it's much more informative and danker than mine. 

Boil 'em and Mash 'em OR How I Spent My Thanksgiving Part I

Hey non-cookers!

Thanksgiving is primarily one of the only holidays that centers specifically around food. And thanks. And giving. From some articles that I’ve skimmed through, I’m pretty sure the pilgrims originally wanted to name the holiday Foodsgiving but Squanto and his peep's couldn’t really pronounce their F’s correctly so they just decided to call it Thanksgiving instead.

 

Cause I mean let's face it. Who really got f'd in the end? 

There are always Thanksgiving traditions that I do with my family. We’d always get up before dawn to run in a 5k marathon where I then don’t eat until the big meal. Older sister Hannah would primarily help my mom in the kitchen with the food while younger sister Laura and I would throw markers or other things at each other. This year however, I was away from my family but got to spend it with some swell group of folks. This was also the first year I contributed to the feast for I made

MASHED POTATOES!

What you’ll need.

Potatoes. Unmashed.

Salt

Pepper

Milk

Butter

These potatoes are your children and you should treat them as such.

Step 1: Give the potatoes a bath by washing them thoroughly. Make sure to scrub behind the ears.

Step 2: Peel the potatoes. Make sure all the skins are off. Once off, dice them up even more.

Step 3: Put the potatoes in a pot of boiling water until they are soft and tender. This could also be known as a timeout.

Step 4: Once tender, drain the water from the pot and put in a tiny glob of butter and a quick dip of milk into the pot. Add in salt and pepper of any amount in. I gave up on measurements like 7 posts ago, sorry guys.

Step Favorite: Using a hand mixer, mix the potatoes together until they play nicely and get along.

I was overly-excited about the eject button. I secretly hoped it'd be some
James Bond-esque scenario where it flies off into the air.

PLAY NICE!

With that you’re done!

Look what I did! I contributed to the Thanksgiving meal for the first time! Yaaaay!

The potatoes tasted fairly well. It could have used a bit more salt/pepper/spices from what I was told, but for the most part it wasn’t bad!

Even though I wish I could have spent Thanksgiving with my family this year, I still made the best of it and had a great time with the group of people I was with.

 

This was Gary. He was delicious.  

With all the food that I had ate I was beginning to suspect a relaxing and uneventful weekend alone at my place. I was DEAD wrong. Stay tuned for Part II of the trilogy of two posts!

OMG ONLY LIKE A WEEK LEFT
GUYZ!

Chicken In The Middle

Hello there kitchen-hustlers! You’re back! Or I assume you're back since you are currently reading this post, but anyway welcome back! Again.

This week’s recipe will be:

Fried Chicken!

Chicken. Now that’s a word I heard a lot while in middle school.

“You don’t want to give me the answers to the math test? You’re a chicken!”

“You too scared to fight Brad? You’re a chicken!”

“What part did you get in the school’s dietary food play? Oh, you’re a chicken!”

This recipe may not be as fancy as steak or a healthy start to the day, but just like middle school once you go through it, the results may be fantastic.

Ingredients

Eggs

Chicken Tenders

Bread

Salt

Pepper

Any herbs ya want

Vegetable oil

Step 1: Place chicken on plastic wrap. Coat chicken with the wrap. 

Now beat the shit out of the chicken. Works best with a  mallet or a rolling pin. If you do not live in medieval times or do not have a mallet, fists also work quite well which is what I used. The purpose of this is to flatten the chicken. 

If you gain sympathy before beating the chicken, just picture it as a douche with frosted tips and sunglasses.

WHO HAS THE FUNNY NOSE NOW BRAD?!

Step 2: Dice up bread and put the pieces in a food processor. I didn’t have a food processor so I just made breadcrumbs with my hands. 

I did this with two slices, but looking back I would have used at least a few more as there weren't enough.

Step 3: At this point in the shebang put all of your salt/pepper/herbs and whatever you want onto your chicken. I was too cheap and only provided salt and pepper on mine. 

College livin'

Step 4: Break an egg into a bowl and whisk thoroughly. 

Now with the egg juices still in the bowl, put your chicken into the bowl so that it’s coated evenly with both sides of the yolk.

At last, mother meets child again but probably not in the way they intended.  

Step 5: Drag your yolked chicken through the bowl of breadcrumbs. Be sure to coat each side as evenly as possible.

This part is nothing to yolk about.  

Step 6: Add around a cm of veggie oil to the pan. Turn the heat around to med-high.

Place the chicken into the pan. Leave for about 3-4 minutes. Ideal color should be gold brown. 

Be sure to check on your chicken every now and then! My first pair turned even darker than I anticipated.

Step 7: Remove chicken and place on a plate with paper towels. From here ya done son. 

And that's fried chicken! 

Ehh yay?

So it didn’t really turn out the way I thought it was going to, but overall it tasted okay. Somewhat dry but still okay! The main problem I think was that I didn’t have any mustard and other herbs to put on and I should have added more breadcrumbs as well.

Bringing things full circle, this recipe turned out more or less like middle school. It was a mostly confusing process that one can only appreciate when looking back. At least this time I don’t have an acne problem and Cindy from homeroom isn’t here to break my heart. Plus I have chicken!

Eat your (non-existing) heart out Cindy!  

Guest Eater of the Week: Harrison- An Austin Powers aficionado

“This is actually pretty good. I can dig it!”

“I’m impressed!”

“Totally shagadelic.”

Stay tuned this upcoming week where I attempt to cook some sort of Thanksgiving side/meal!

i get 2 scooba sooon guyz

Raising The Steaks

Hey there non-cookers! I hope you’re ready for another hustle in the kitchen, for this week’s is a doozy. Cause this week the steaks are being raised even higher! *1st High Steak Joke

That’s right for tonight we make

  

Steaks!

 

Never have the steaks been this high.

2nd High Steak Joke 

I've always wanted to cook steak. Back when I was around 5 ft (for this memory I don't remember age but height) my family cooked steak for one occasion. I recall watching my dad and the other male figures gathering around the grill, a plate of finished meat rested nearby while the aroma of beef wafted through the air. They laughed and chilled, while ever so nonchalantly prodding and flipping the meat over on the grill. They made it look so easy. 

Ever since then, I've always had this picture in my mind that steak is the quintessential meat that showcases toughness and skill. That once you achieve this level you can be apart of the cool kids club of men that can talk about golf and other dad-related topics. 

And so now I will attempt to be a dad. Of steak. 

The recipe I followed was this one off of wikihow

Steak

Salt

Pepper

Herbs/Rub

Vegtable Oil

Butter

Frozen Green Beans

The Steak

Step 1: Salt the steak of your choice 40 minute prior to frying. This is so the moisture remains in the steak so it can be more tender.

Step 2: Oil the pan with a smidgen of vegetable oil. Turn the heat up high. Once the oil starts to smoke then go ahead and put the steak on.

Step 3: Let the steak cook from 3-6 minutes. You may want to check the bottom side of the steak occasionally during this period to make sure that it’s not getting burnt.

At this point it’s going to smoke like crazy and set off your fire alarm, which I assume happens to everyone who cooks this.

 

Also don't mind the huge splatter of meat juices next to the pan...

Step 4: Open windows and fan out the remaining smoke in your house/apartment/dwelling/adobe hut. I used a kitchen towel to get a better maneuver of the fanning motion. Hands also work effectively.

 

Post-Smoke Clean Out

Step 5: Once the steak is fully cooked, turn off the heat and let it rest on the pan. 

It had a busy day and needs to rest. While it simmers down on the pan use this time to put any herbs or rubs to your meat. I used Weber Steak ‘N Chop Seasoning on mine.

Step 6: Using a knife, cut a tiny portion of the end off to see how done your steak is.

This is a helpful guide for you to consider.

Green Beans

Step 7: Put water in a pot and turn the heat up high. Once the water starts to boil turn it off and put in the frozen green beans.

Step 8: Crank the heat up again and once the water starts to boil again ya done.

Potato Rolls

Step 9: Go to a supermarket. Go down the bread aisle. Find potato rolls. Grasp ahold of said potato rolls. Proceed to Cash Register. Purchase potato rolls. Eat at your expense.

There you have it! You have jumped over the circle of a non-steak-cooker and have entered the elite esteemed group of steak cookers! You are now a steak dad or mom! You can now laugh and talk about golf! Congrats! 

But after trying it myself I was very impressed. I cooked steak! And it was actually good! 

Guest Eater of the Week: Nathaniel - A Train Conductor 

"This steak is tough. Like life"

"It's good at the center." 

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